Sunday, October 09, 2011

I'm Here To Make You Proud

Assalamualaikum,

It's been almost a month of me living in a place very different from where I used to be. Things are getting tougher and tougher each and every day. My studies, my personal life, my environment. Everything's difficult. Once again, for the second time in the period of two years, I experienced another heartbreak. I got up from the previous one, but I have now come to realize that I actually wasn't that strong to let go of the fact that I CAN live without a boyfriend.

I could have waited for the time to come for me to have the real deal. I failed myself again. I got myself to believe at that time that being with the next guy that's with me will make me live happily ever after. I immediately put God aside for a little and made way for another love chapter for me to emerge. I didn't think! What about the words that I mentioned months ago about wanting to become God-fearing when it comes to this matter?

Probably not many are going to understand why he did this to me. He said he did this for Allah. He was scared. We didn't hold hands and talk explicit stuff, but do we even realize that saying I Love You is a sin if you're not married yet. He was trying to save himself, he was trying to save me, he was trying to save us. At first, maybe I didn't understand and worse, maybe I didn't want to understand. But if I want to be Your good servant, I MUST understand.

I looked at some pre-departure pictures which are owned by one of my friends. I cried, I really did. I should repair my intentions, I'm here for the sake of Allah. Allah has never brought me down! He got me through everything I have ever wanted. He gave me good results so that I could make my way to help my family. He gave me a functional mind and soul so that I can do good on this earth. He gave me a great family and wonderful friends so that I won't be lonely. Yet, because of losing a guy, I am sad? That's not how it should work right?

I read back comments from one of my dearest friends, Harishah Halim. I'm thinking she must be rather upset when she knows that I was back to coupling 5 months ago. If you're reading this dear, I'm thankful that you did drop by my blog when I had my previous break up. Even until now, you remind me that this thing, this couple thingy, had always and will always be wrong. I will try to follow ur advice and be stronger.

Everything does happen for a reason and I wouldn't my life to go any other way. If this is what Allah had given me, I'm sure that it's the best for me :')


By the way, I found this picture in tumblr. The description of the picture says: Even if you feel nothing is going right in your life, there is still someone less fortunate than you and is still smiling :)