Today I'll be expressing more about what I have been thinking about lately. I just miss writing. Haven't been around blogger that much these few days, busy with preparations for the finals.
I'm very sure that all of us have aspirations, dreams, goals, or whatsoever you call it. I have mine too. One time ago, I had the dream of getting 4 flat for my finals, retaining a good relationship with Allah and people around me, shedding off some weight and well, as you may possibly guess, there's definitely more to it. Unfortunately, things didn't go well and went way out of what I expected. I mean REALLY.
I thought my life was perfect before I entered college. I sort of had everything I wanted (except for the losing weight part; the opposite happened :D). I just thought I wanted to just keep things just like that. Even going to sleep makes me wanna smile. Life was heaven back then.
Moving into college life, my happiness went upside down. I lost everything (to me it seems like everything). I lacked thinking of Allah. I could tell people that everything happens for a reason (semua perkara yang terjadi ada hikmahnya), but sometimes I'd be the one breaking down and cry, marah-marah sampai tak terkawal. It's saddening to be acting out that way, thinking of the fact that I helped advising people quite numerously.
Now I'm trying my best to control myself and I'm trying to lift myself back up. I realise that it's impossible to change permanently overnight. It takes a lot of hard work and perseverance. I've had enough with conflicts and I hope, by any chance, I wouldn't be dealing with any serious ones involving other people in the time to come.
Alhamdulillah, for now, I can feel that I'm trying to change into the better. Taking baby steps here and there. I admit that I relapse, but it doesn't mean that I'm losing. I've never really felt this way and it feels genuine somehow. Up till now, not even the slightest change in me can be seen by the naked eye, but no matter what, I want to convince myself that it's okay if nobody knows, as long as I get to feel better about myself.
I've heard a story but I'm not really sure if it's actually true. I'm pretty sure it is. It's about a man who has this urge to steal and he steals everyday. Without stopping. However, at night, before he goes to bed, he would repent; he would ask for forgiveness from Allah. He would spent hours crying, asking for forgiveness from Allah. It's rather ironic thinking of the fact that he steals in the day and repents in the night. He eventually died and surprisingly, after all the stealing he committed, Allah forgave him.
What I'm trying to say is, no matter how sinful we are, or how spoiled we become, if we try our best to ask for forgiveness from Allah, it's not impossible that we'd be forgiven. I have been having numerous dilemmas involving my relationship with Allah and I often feel bad about them. There was until this one part when I felt like giving up asking for forgiveness from Him because I felt like a hypocrite. The only thing that made me NOT give up is thinking that Allah is indeed the Al-mighty and He is full of forgiveness if we strive to ask for it.
Perhaps, somebody might be dropping by this blog and reading this. I'm not an ustazah, being that good in all of this. I'm just a student expressing my point of view. I just hope I could share something. If you're a muslim and if you feel the way I feel, then just bear in mind that there's no such thing as giving up in changing into the better. You shouldn't worry if you suddenly experience a glitch because climbing to the top is never easy. As long as you have that good intention and you're trying to work for it, then that's the best that can ever happen to you. And bear in mind too that after working hard, always be ready to accept failure because there's a probability in almost anything :)
I pasted a sort of like my own quote next to my mirror in my room. I wrote:
Ask for forgiveness from Allah,
Then only you'd find PEACE."
Thanks for reading and it's okay if you're a silent reader. Hehe. Hope there's some benefit here and there in this post. Do correct me if I'm wrong yea :)