Saturday, December 11, 2010

I Don't Need A Man Now

JUST NOW, I had my heart crushed again when I saw his Facebook profile. There there is, the girl I remember from the day of our break up. Being sweet and all with him. I don't know what their relationship is now, but I can tell that they're getting closer to each other. It hurts me really bad coz while he seems happy moving on with his life, I was sitting in front of my laptop, blinking at his profile, secretly viewing it through my previous Facebook account, alone, crying like a total loser. I cried. Damn. I cried. Yes I did. I know that I tried to prepare myself if something like this happens, but frankly, it was so hard for me to accept.


THEN, I called up my best friend, Ainaa Adilah, filled with tears and jealousy. After two weeks of trying to sustain myself, I suddenly burst into extreme sadness. I cried through out the first 15 minutes of phone chat with her. I expressed myself, I expressed my anger, I expressed everything I felt. Then she started speaking.

"Amierah Nabillah yang kt tau tak macam ni. Dia kuat and dia tak pernah nangis sebab lelaki. Dia tak pernah kisah pun kalau mana-mana lelaki blah dari hidup dia. Dia tak pernah kisah semua tu. 

Awak, kt pun ada dalam relationship tapi kt tak nak fikir about dia sangat. Kt sendiri tak tau apa yang dia buat kat negara sana. Yang penting, kt nak 4 flat and kt nak tolong family kt. Kt nak buktikan kat dia yang kt boleh berjaya dalam pelajaran. Kt mana tau future kt ngan dia macam mana, daripada kt teringat-ingatkan dia & down2, baik kt g study and prove I'm the best. 

Kalau awak rasa sedih kalau-kalau dia ada perempuan lain nanti, awak ingatlah yang awak sampai dulu sebelum perempuan tu. Apa yang that girl dapat is orang yang pernah jadi urs. You dapat privilege dulu dari perempuan tu. Bella, ingat, kalau lelaki tu betul-betul sayangkan awak, walau hot mana atau sehebat mana pun perempuan yang dia akan jumpa nanti, dia tetap akan sayangkan awak. It's good lah kalau dia boleh ada rasa macam tu. So Bella, stop blaming yourself, stop putting yourself down about this break up. Jangan rasa semua ni salah awak. Apa-apa pun, awak kena sayangkan diri awak dulu.

Bella, ingat, never put 100% of ur heart in a relationship even dah kahwin pun. Always keep 30% away, ready for suffering and pain. This is what so many people don't have, that's why ramai yang suicide and rasa hidup tak worth it. Sebab dorg tak fikir diri dorg sendiri, sanggup berkorban ap saja untuk a relationship yang tak pasti. Ingat that mana-mana relationship ngan mana-mana manusia pun takkan kekal. Walau macam mana pun, it will still end with sadness, that is death. So takkan nak give up on life just sebab ni right?"

She told me more and some are just meant to be private I guess. After hearing what she told me, I realise that I have been a slave towards love. Love really blinded me. I threw in 100% of my love towards him and never really cared about my own self.

So, from now on, I will truly not give a damn about who he wants to be with now. Allah will arrange everything. I will focus in my studies, get myself a place in Ireland and make my family proud. I'll improve not to impress him, but for Allah's blessings insyaAllah. I will not fall into coupling again and I will wait for the right time to come and shower my husband with love that is halal. I will remain single and strong, full of dignity. I will not cry for any man in this world, including him. I will be the best girl I can be, independent from a guy's love. I will make it possible that he realizes I am stronger than he ever thought I would be. No more puppy love, no more being insecure about myself. I might not be the hottest girl, or the brightest girl or even the best girl. I am ordinary in many ways, but I certainly am special because there is only one of me in this world. I have my strength and I have my weaknesses. I will work to improve my weaknesses and not dwell in them. I'm just going to appreciate myself and be thankful each and everyday from now on that I am who I am. And one thing for sure, I DON'T NEED A MAN NOW.