Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Flashback & Fast Forward

Today's already the 29th of December, marking the 2nd last day of the year 2010. Time flies and year 2010 really changed my life, in so many ways. One of the most outstanding highlights in my life is the progression of my  relationship between me and someone I really care about (like really really care about).

I can still remember what happened during the 1st of January 2010 between us; we almost separated because of my mistake; because of my inability to solve my situation the right way. I was wrong and at that time, he provoked me to leave him while I still loved him. I didn't want to leave him, but he forced me to. Then I did. Then he found it hard to live without me so he wanted me back. So for sure, I went back to him. (Okay, I know it sounds so haywire coz I guess those who would understand what I was trying to tell would only be me, him & those who happens to know and remember the big ugly fight).

Nevertheless, later on, we were as close as we could be. Everything seemed so perfect, everyday was a fairytale. I was totally in love with him & I couldn't think of being with another guy.

However, things changed when he entered college. I wasn't the main attention anymore, I wasn't the girlfriend anymore, I wasn't at least half of who I was to him anymore. I initially already feel left out some way so I made a move by hinting that I wasn't happy with the change. I cried when I felt that he didn't want to be with me, I called him more than often, I bugged him. Yeah, I did all those.

Things went rocky for many months between us. We did have lovey dovey times together, but most of the time I felt left out from his life. Okay, yes, I was such a crybaby, I was a lil bit too needy, it's all because I was fighting for the least the essential routine between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I wanted him to be with me, waiting for me to wish him goodnight, being happy to hear his voice and etc.

I was immature and I wanted commitment, but he could already think extra maturely than me, but he denied commitment. That was our main problem.

Towards the end of our relationship, I was still unable to understand his needs. I couldn't accept his want to flirt around, be free and having the idea of contacting me like only once a week. How is it fair if he could do all those things while wanting me to be my usual nice self. I was sad but I wanted to be with him. I couldn't stand being a hidden girlfriend. I could feel that he wasn't proud and happy to be with me. I blamed myself and I wanted to fix it but all I could do was cry and beg him for another chance. I responded immaturely.

In the end, we broke up. His reason was, he couldn't see me being hurt by him anymore. He already lost his feelings towards me. I was down to my knees. I was disoriented. I felt like I lost my life already. 

After the break up, I had a series of reactions:
1. I was initailly in denial. I denied that I just broke up. I thought it was a normal fight. I thought we could get back together. I was wrong.
2. Then I came into begging for him back. Nothing happened.
3. I became angry and spread my rage all over my blog and any suitable way I could think of.
4. I then tried to accept the break up but deep down inside, I wasn't ready. I tried to fikir all the hikmah.
5. I then tried to beg for him to come back to me. I failed again. He moved on and he told me to do so too.
6. I burst into a rage again and I started collecting evidence to shove in his face. I tried to project my anger towards him.
7. Well now, I am in the stage where my decision is to move on. I know, if he's reading this, he would be rather doubtful and he wouldn't actually believe that I'm moving on. But I am.

I'm sure he'd be more than pleased to know that I'm slowly giving up on him. Maybe what he said was true, I just couldn't mix with him now. Our minds and our wants are completely different. But somehow, there are three things in my point of view that can only make us back together again:

1. Me becoming more matured and being more understanding towards a guy's wants and needs and his ability to commit and validate my feelings.
2. If each of us still saves a part in us for each other. If each of us never wanted to give up.
3. If Allah wills it.

*That's it, that's the end of us. I hope u'd be happy with what u choose. For now, I give up. I don't want u in my life.*