Again, in the "why did we break up" mode. *sigh*
Once again, for quite some time, I shed some tears at the thought of my break up. Pfft. Yea, I'm still not over it. Haish. Aritu cakap tak nak nangis lagi right? Right. But sometimes emotions build up too much until crying relieves them. Something provoked my feelings, well, or as I think. It's not easy to let go of someone u love u know. I'm certain I'm going through a normal grief reaction. I don't even mogok makan. I can study. I can laugh & have a heck load of fun. I just get sad when I think of what happened between him & I.
Like I said, it's not that easy to simply let go of someone u once loved before. I had an iguana once and it died and I still feel upset reminiscing it's lost. Apatah lagi a losing a human being. Though actually, the person I'm talking about is happy & alive. Hehh.
Just now I stalked his Facebook profile (ouh yes I did, in which I shouldn't! -___-) and he seems so much happier without me. I was like damn youuu! U leave me and enjoy ur life. So that's how u play the game huh?
That was my immediate response.
And it was after that when I cried. I texted him and he DID reply. I asked if I could call him up, but he refused. I know I look desperate. Tell me about it *rolling eyes*. Idk, I just felt like smashing all my anger in his face or technically in his ears. I was angry, I was sad, I was provoked. I was like a monster. A beautiful monster. Ekk.
Then I called up Aiman. He said that he back to his hometown, which is very near to where I am now. Huhh. So near, yet so far.
After the call, I cried even more. I couldn't stand it by myself, so I finally decided to go and meet Nell. I told her everything, of how sad I became all of a sudden.
"Bell, sebab dia sygkan u lah dia let u go. Dia tak nak mess up with u coz he knows ur a good person. He knows that he can't possibly give back the goodness u give to him while he still nak enjoy living a single life. Allah has reasons kenapa dia buat semua ni. Allah has reasons to break up korang dua after all u have done for him. Allah wants to protect u from committing sins when ur with him. Allah wants u to focus on Him (Allah). Allah has better plans for u. U may deserve someone better, or maybe u'd get him back someday."
I felt much better after hearing what she said. What she said managed to calm me down a little. Yes, the sins, yes, I sinned for touching him, in which I shouldn't, I sinned for forgetting Allah while I was with him, I sinned for focusing too much on him while he was only my boyfriend and not my husband! I sinned so much and I never took note of those. Now Allah has pulled away the person I love so much. I'm certain it's to give me a lesson or two. I told Nell I was scared that Allah wouldn't want to give me a good husband someday. I'm scared Allah will punish me like forever. I felt that I don't deserve a good man after pouring all my love and attention to him once before.
"Bell, don't think like that. Allah maha pengasih, maha pengampun. U realise ur mistakes and u know u don't want to repeat them. Now that ur single, u can concentrate more on Allah. He (Allah) won't give u a bad guy, insyaAllah. After all, u didn't even commit a big sin. Just believe the guy is protecting u and that He (Allah) knows the best for u."
After what she told me, I came back to my senses. I could think clearly. I just hoped that Allah would not let me suffer in my marriage for I regret neglecting Allah while I was so in love with him.
Then I called up Choy. He's the guy's friend. I just had some things to know. I asked him if he (the guy) has a girlfriend now. He said that that guy doesn't have one, except that he is now close to this one particular girl. He said that the guy didn't even want to make that girl as a girlfriend, maybe just a companion. I expressed how terkilan I was at the fact that the guy was able to layan messaging & calling with that girl. He said maybe dats why he left u. He wants to live without commitment yet and he feels guilty for always making u hanging on and feeling sad. He was sad seeing u always sad. Maybe he just wants to enjoy life first. He even told me that the guy asked his friends to look over me after the break up.
It hurts to think that he still cares while I don't get the chance to contact him and him treating me as if he hates me. Sometimes I just wished he left me for a cruel reason (like cheating for another girl) so that I can confront him and sembur everything in his face. I just wished karma would get him back. Baru puas hati. But now, what people tell me is, he left me because he cares. It gives me a shorter list of reasons to get angry.
I'm still left with questions I could never answer myself. I secretly still wish I could be back with him together, but I don't know how I am I going to cope with it if I get the chance. I don't know if I can be forgiving. I just don't know. I don't want to look easy in his eyes. I want him coming back for me, not me coming back for him. With the ego he has, it seems almost impossible for that to happen. I might as well just move on and if he doesn't come back, I'm going to open my heart for another guy.
If there is a one out of an infinity of chances u will be reading this, I want u to know that I still haven't given up on us, but I'm just still hurt by the way u execute ur decision. I want to prove to u that our break up will not bring me down. If u wished that I would become more matured and more understanding after this break up, then I will also make sure I score those too. I'll make sure I'm worth more than I was and gain control of ur respect. I pray u all the best in ur life. Amin.